Heart Hunting with Will Hunting

i feel that it is in the core of human nature to try to understand our surroundings. to attempt to make what little sense there is of our situations so that we can stay comfortable and in control of things. this isnt a bad thing. i've been doing some research on stress and how certain stressors can actually trigger calming sensations in your brain if those stressors have been previously dealt with and understood. when your brain registers that what is bounding up to you is your faithful dog, who has been waiting all day to pour his love on you, your brain can relax. you've seen this before. praise God, he does it every day. it is when the brain encounters unknown stressors (such as a growl in the dark) that it releases adrenaline and sends warnings of danger through the body as a means of protection. also good. humans are truly incredible creatures. how anyone could think that we were created so intricately by shear luck is completely beyond me.

we naturally (and even chemically) try to understand the things around us. it does the brain good to know that certain things are good and certain things are bad. but even though we can read all we want about the things of the world, we wont receive the imprint of any situation until we experience it for ourselves. i have had a fantasy my whole life of looking into the eyes of a wild lion. i've read about lions. even in fictional stories their eyes are majestic. but that isn't something you can truly understand until you do it. when i was in Africa for the first time in 2007 i got the chance, and i almost need to do it again because there was a depth that i only got a small glimpse at. i can't imagine that i know anything about the heart of a lion even now, much less having only read a book about them. i need to stare at him and be stared at. its the only way to know.

the same can be said for anything. you can know a lot about art, but if you never go see it and you never create it then you can't know it. you can read a lot of books about love and relationships, but you can't know what its like until you feel it. you can know a lot about the Lord, but that knowledge is useless until you experience him. the hebrews knew this, the greeks didn't. sadly, we get the majority of our american education from the greek philosophy that: reading about it is enough to understand it. but we all know you have to experience something in order to understand it fully.

I believe this is also true of the heart. we can know and read all about what our hearts are supposed to feel and how our hearts are supposed to look and behave, but i don't think we can truly understand them until we look them in the eyes. in the movie Good Will Hunting, there is a scene where Robin Williams' character and Matt Damon's character are sitting on a park bench. Robin Williams goes into depth about how you can't truly understand something until you experience it, and then makes the point that the same can be said for the heart of a man. you can't know your own heart and why it works the way it does until you search it. Will Hunting (Matt Damon) was afraid to search his heart. he was scared of what he might find in there. but in his fear and his walls he is keeping himself from truly knowing who he is. and from the strength of identity that lives there.

we are all searching for this. naturally. chemically. spiritually. there is a call inside of us to understand what is around us in the natural and a call to understand what is inside us in the spirit. we can't learn about lions if we are afraid of lions. and we can't learn about ourselves if we are afraid of revealing our hearts. our hearts were hand-crafted by the creator of beings and our identity rests inside of them. our confidence in who he made us and therefore our ability to walk in the fullness of that confidence lives inside them. we can't be afraid. we can't deny our desire to delve into the heart of God. and just because we think our hearts don't look like they are supposed to, we can't deny our desire to delve into our own hearts either. Because regardless of how much crap it's buried in, the identity that the Lord crafted inside of us lives in there. the only way to walk in it is to find it. and we can't be afraid to look.

Will Hunting was afraid to open himself because of what he might find. how many of us feel the same way? my hand's in the air, but its time to take a deep breath, face my heart, and look deep into its eyes. i may just find it looks very similar to that lion i was so excited about.

Living OUT of the Moment.

First of all, Cooper's Well, i have an absolute man-crush on you right now. you have 3 songs on the internet and i have found myself listening to 3 songs. over and over. Praise God.

Anyway, now for the point of this post.

Lately I've found myself in a continuous struggle. there seem to be too many things for me to do and be, and i just don't have enough energy to sustain them all. now before you click the x in your top left corner (or top right corner, if you are using a dell) because this looks like it is going to be a venting post, WAIT! i promise there's a point to all this.

...but to get there i'm going to open the vent just a little bit. don't judge me.

the fact is, i'm overwhelmed. my life seems to have too many things in it. even if on their own i would love them all, too many good things just confuse your senses. all i want is Jesus, but i dont have time to seek him. i want to be filled and nourished so i can serve, but my services are getting in the way. its a ridiculous cycle. however, i realized recently that my tendency to get overwhelmed doesn't come from a lack of strength or even a lack of time (which is what it feels like) but rather from my tendency to live in the moment, and ONLY that moment.

it is part of my personality. if i am in a conversation with you, i wont answer the phone. if you need me right now, i will be late to wherever i was going. if you are in front of me, or are wearing something particularly shiny, you have my attention.

granted, this can be a good thing. in fact, i've been thanked for this very trait on several occasions (or else scolded for being late). but sometimes i need to learn to live OUT of the moment. for what's NOT happening right now.

i had a dream last night that i was at a bar with my dear friend Sean, (having flown on magic carpets to get there, as apparently Sean is all the way arabic in my subconscious). we were talking, when i suddenly realized that i was 44 minutes late for my next meeting (story of my life). i was immediately filled with anxiety. i resented Sean for "making me late" and for "keeping me in the conversation." i got overwhelmed and frustrated and then woke up very confused as to why we don't use magic carpets instead of cars.

now, if you know anything about mine and Sean's relationship then you know this was the exact opposite of how it is. Sean is normally the only reason im ON TIME anywhere. or else im the one that makes him late. praise God he's a man of grace. but the Lord spoke to me through this dream. because that very situation is becoming more and more common. i have found myself running from one meeting to the next and becoming so tired and busy and laterally focused on what is immediately the next on the list that i havent been able to calm down and share the journey with the Lord. (which is the whole point.)

its like when you are hiking (too quickly) on a great trail. all you want to do is look up and see the beauty of the journey, but if you take your eyes off of your feet for one second then you are going to tumble. so you focus on putting one foot on each rock, and it starts to all look the same after a while. why were you walking so fast anyway? isnt the journey the fun part? i wonder how many things i've missed doing that...

in doing this, i've found myself resenting my job (which is a RIDICULOUS blessing, ill tell you the story some time), and resenting my responsibilities in ministry and mission (which is a huge part of my heart and my calling), and resenting everything else for adding to the list. they were all just one rock after the next rather than the beautiful mosaic pieces of the journey of the Lord. these are the things that im here for. the things that i love to pour in to. yet because i have been so focused on being in those moments (or at the very least, making sure my foot gets on the rock) that i have been unable to step outside of them and into the heart of the Lord. the reason for those moments.

it is good to be in the moment. i plan on doing it as a default. but until we can master (as Jesus has) seeing the fullness of the big picture AND being fully where we are at the same time, we sometimes have to take a step back and align our priorities to bigger things. otherwise we will feel trapped in each moment rather than blessed to be there. the latter being the reality and the former being all the thanks we give it.

what im trying to say is this. the Lord can sustain any one of us in overwhelming circumstances, but we have to know that the source is Jesus, not our service of Jesus. it is ok if i step back from my responsibilities in order to seek the Lord. it is ok if i dance and romance with Jesus instead of with beautiful beautiful Meg. because i CAN'T romance Meg without being romanced by Jesus. i CAN'T serve the people without being filled with his strength. and i CAN'T live a life of love and power without being filled with His love and His power.

Sean didn't deserve my malice in the dream. you don't deserve it either. i apologize. there's no reason for me to be worn out and unable to love because the source of that love is endless. i just have to realize that my relationship with Jesus is the center and the beginning of it all. im allowed to take time to build it. and not only that, i HAVE to take time to build it or else i really cant do anything well. im allowed to rest. God, who doesn't grow weary, rested on the 7th day. since he doesn't need it, it must be because he likes it. and if he likes it then i do.

i like living out of the things He likes more than the things He requires of me. just because they are the same thing doesn't mean i shouldn't change my mindset.

Praise God.

I typed out my conversation with Him...

i was sitting in espresso news trying to prepare for new life and watching some people play chess. here's what we talked about...

“I’m more in this chess game than I am in your preparation.”

- but Lord, aren’t you in my preparation?

- “Yes. But I am in more than just the preparation of a word. I am in the preparation of a kingdom. It’s not about making sure your word comes out with seamless ease, its about preparing a people on whom my kingdom can rest on their shoulders. A people of my likeness who will do what I am doing and desire my desires. A people who will not just put me first with their mouths but who will put me first with their lives. That is the people who I am looking for. People made in my likeness who are after my own heart. Who can be molded into my true likeness. Which happens through process. I am looking for a sea of David’s who will wash upon the white sand and seep into it like the water does the beach. David was following me. You have an even greater example. Why will you not come to me?”

- so how do I come to you? how do we all come to you? what is it you want us to look like?

- “like him who has lost more than he has gained. Like him who has served more than he is served. Like him who knows more than he says and less than he thinks. A people who love simply and sharply and with great purpose and forethought. Who know who their maker is and know that he is good. A people who aren’t afraid to be like me. When the world says that you must be like it.”

- how? What are the right words to say to make this happen? You’ve blessed my mouth, I want you to use it. please Lord, your servant is here, send me. Even though I'm not ready…

- “You’re not supposed to be ready. You’re supposed to believe.”

- I believe Lord, but help me with my unbelief.

- “Haha, You copied that from the bible.”

- I want it though! Teach me to believe like you do. Teach me to lead this body to believe like you do. And um, what is it you want us to believe exactly? Besides just that you are good and do all things for the good of those you love you and are called according to your purposes?

- “Believe that I love them. Believe that I really, really, love them.” (and by “them” I felt in his heart that he meant the people of the world. The lost people who he has a great passion for. The church and the lost alike. By “them” he means his beloved ones.)

- because if I don’t believe it, its going to be very hard to convince them that its true, even though I know it is, huh?

- “that’s part of it. and its just for your own knowledge. Your own heart. You were made for compassion Andrew, it’s not just a side effect. It’s who you are and I want you to walk in it. to receive it and give it. to love and be loved. I’ve told you all this before.”

- Can I just delete prayers like that?

- “Haha. Sure.”

- Anyway. You really are telling me all this constantly. I need it apparently. What should I tell the body of New Life?

- “That they are to be like you.”

- No!

- Ok, the word ‘no’ looks a lot worse when I type it to you…

- What do you mean?

- “That they are to be like a shining star in a dark place. A distant hope drawing closer. A likeness of my son. I can’t tell you how important it is that you lead them into this likeness.”

- And what do I say? What scriptures do I use? Who are you to them?

- “I am their strength when they are weak. I am their joy. I AM.”

- It’s time to go slowly isn’t it? to understand who you are and to be peacefully molded into you? right?

- “I came not to bring peace, but a sword. I came to chop off everything that isn’t like me.”

- Slowly?

- “It must be slowly. That’s how potter’s hands work.”

- Oh wow. What an image!

- “Just wait till you experience it. be who you are Andrew. That is who I am in you. trust them to be who they are and that they will be molded. Guide them my dear son. That is what I have called you to do. I have blessed your mouth with embers of hot coals. Stop choking it with your gages of the situation and your fear of timidity. Be bold and speak as I have called you to speak and guide as I have called you to guide. You, who have asked for so much anointing and so much destiny can’t simply run away from it when it is given to you. your calling is your calling. I’m just asking you to do it.”

- yes Lord.

- “ ‘Yes’ looks better typed doesn’t it?”

- haha YES it does.

- So what scriptures?

- “Romans 12, John 18, and your favorite part of 1 Chronicles.”

- The bit about Samuel too?

- “Yes. Approve what my will is through renewing your mind. That means that you have to believe that my direction is in fact my direction. Live free and do not doubt. I really am speaking to you. you have to mold your mind to believe that before you can truly do what I say with the conviction required to change this world.”

- I love you.

- “I'm loving you too.”

- You changed tenses!

- “You changed the tenses. My love is constant and active, not merely a description.”

- I love you.

- “hahahahahahaha!!!!”

- I want to be loving you.

- “hahahaha you are you are. And you’re learning more beloved one. You are learning more.”

- Stay with me forever.

- “I’m staying with you forever.”

- I’m loving you. Praise God. Save as…

- “Save as “the moment it started” ”

- The moment what started?

- “Your new life. That’s what you asked for isn’t it?”

- I asked “What should I tell the body of New Life?”

- “Tell it to live. And tell it the right way.”

- You have that.

- “You have that.” (we said it at the same time.)

- I’m going to read Romans 12

- “I’m coming.”

- Promise me you’ll always come. Make a covenant with me that we will never be apart.

- “We will never be apart.”

- I’m loving you.

- “I’m loving you.”

Further Up. Further in.

so first of all, i would just like to send a salute to Jon Dehen for rigging our dryer so that the vent faces inside. now whenever i do laundry, the house is warm. i did laundry today. it feels wonderful.

coming back to Boone is always an interesting experience for me. sometimes i feel the refreshment of this place pour over me when i get past wilksboro on 421. sometimes i feel anxious about new seasons. and sometimes i am so overwhelmed by hitting the ground running that i forget to check whether im refreshed or not. i think right now im just getting settled again and am really hopeful/desiring the Spirit to start making sense of whats going on inside of me. all i really know for sure is that i love this place. i love the people. i love the common desire we all have to push one another above ourselves. i think thats what makes this community work. everyone lifts up those around them until we all start floating. its a fragile balloon, but it sure gets us where we need to go. higher and higher.

thats my desire for this community. to take it higher and higher. we started from a mountain top (including all of the glory that mountain tops happen to share with us) and i feel the Lord taking us higher. first of all. im in love with this idea. we are called to go further up and further in and it is such an incredible journey. second of all. i really want everyone to come.

that second part has been worrying me for a while. as a leader i feel a tug to go where the Lord has called us, but i also feel a tug to make sure everyone gets there. i really believe that a balance of both is what makes good leadership, so what do you do if everyone isnt willing to come? there is a real groaning in my heart because of that thought.

pruning. thats what worries me. pruning is when the Lord's desire for His people to be in the right direction outweighs His desire for everyone to be together. ideally, (and especially in the heart of the Lord) everyone would be together AND in the right direction. we all know that it is the Lord's desire that everyone be saved and everyone to experience the fullness of His Glory (which is the ultimate good thing we were created for). but so many of us, whether it be because of pride, or fear, or the snare of sin, or whatever it is, are held back from experiencing that Glory. now the Lord has grace for this. he meets us where we are and has compassion for our shortcomings. He takes us where we allow Him to, even if we cut it off far short of His desires (which is that we ALL experience ALL of the good things He has for us), but where do you draw the line? do you allow the pride of one man to hold an entire community back from something the Lord desires for it? sometimes, yes. you do. because the Lord is working His way into that man. but other times, the Lord's desire for growth and movement outweighs His desire for everyone to sit in the same room.

let's put it this way. say you are on a ski trip. and there's ten people who rented skis and snowboards and have been looking forward to enjoying the mountain in all its snowboardy goodness. the point of the trip is to have fun, to be together, to laugh, and to fly down a mountain with the wind nipping at your uncovered cheeks. theres always that moment (and if you have ever gone skiing with a ton of people then you know what im talking about) where everyone is putting on their gear and some people are ready to go way before some of the others. impatient people bask in their passive-aggressive vibes, and patient people keep their jackets unzipped and wait for everyone to get ready. the point is to be together. everyone WANTS to be together. if you have ever been the one to lose it and say "im here to ski! not sit! i'll meet you guys at the top." you go off by yourself, and you always end up skiing a whole lot, never finding your friends, and trying to make up for your lack of community by striking up random conversations on the ski lift. it ends up being a really lame experience with a whole lot of "fun" skiing time.

now the other extreme is just as bad. you wait and wait and try to get everyone ready but (in the extreme case) someone is ridiculous. they take their time and then play on their ipod touch while everyone waits for them. it takes hours to get everyone out there and you have like 30 minutes to do what you came there to do. nobody has any fun because they are all completely disappointed at the lack of ski time.

there is a certain amount of grace to be had for these kind of situations. if people are earnestly trying to get ready, of course you wait for them. if people are being ridiculous, then your patience dwindles (which is sometimes a good thing) and you think about splitting up the group and taking those who are ready out onto the mountain.

the same can be said for the church. in fact, i think the same IS being said for the church. the Lord desires us to experience His heart and His spirit (the ski mountain) in fullness. and there are those who have gone ahead without the group, which leaves them alone but skiing. and there are those who have inhibited themselves from going further and are unwilling to work on it. both are not in line with the Lord's desire, which is for EVERYONE to experience His Glory. but do you see the point im making? the line has to be drawn somewhere. and i think the Lord is orchestrating events to draw it.

i've asked Him for a semester. a semester to try and help everyone to get their act together so that we can truly become the ministry He desires us to be. and after that, we'll be going further up and further in. to those who are earnestly trying to get ready, of course we will wait for you (i hope to God that you'll wait for ME, because i feel like, if any, im part of this group). to those who have gone on ahead, of course we will invite you back to earth to go forward with the rest of us (heck, please share your revelation once you touch down.) and to those who are unwilling to try, we'll give you this semester to change your mind, but then i'm afraid we have to go out onto the mountain. i really hope you come with us. second to actually going, its really my greatest desire.

my prayer is that we will all be together, we will all experience the Glory of the Lord together, and that we will all become the selfless, powerful, beautiful army that He desires us to be. if you're with me say amen, and if you're not, then i really hope we can trick you into coming anyway. because it's going to be great.

Letters to Africa

So i have been writing a lot lately... and i have been looking back a lot lately. i've been revisiting my life and my heart and just taking stock of all the adventures the Lord has brought me through. i had to laugh at myself a little bit today, because while looking through some old pictures i had this thought: "man, i have really have lived an incredible life so far. im ready for heaven." hahaha sometimes i have to remind myself to slow down a bit. heaven is my longing, but im here now. i keep forgetting. (although i can empathize with Paul in Phillipians when he says it is better by far to depart and be with Jesus).

but anyway. i was looking back. i HAVE lived a great life so far. and im filled with peace when the memories come. praise God for them.

i was looking back to a journey i went on several years ago, and the Lord reawakened something very dear to my heart. my love for the brothers and sisters in Africa. it seems like i had almost forgotten all the Lord taught me through them, and how i love their kindness in poverty and their life-filled eyes. i grew so much then, and the lessons from that journey i have kept with me to date. i dont want to forget the people. i can't.

so i wrote. as i often do. my heart beats in lyrical fashion. it may be that only the people who went to Botswana with me all those years ago can really understand this poem. since its really very personal. but i just want to say thank you to that team. thank you to the Lord. and thank you to Botswana. i promise i wont forget you.

Letters to Africa

I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

Raging summer of fire’s end

Wind-chilled nights in the desert land

A tree for shade with its roots in sand

And the people know we’re there.

Salvation comes and creation groans

To see His daughters, see His sons

For praise from voices and not just stones

His people join the song.

And I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

The dark continent sees specs of light

When unity comes the nations sigh

We praise as one and fires rise

He shows us by His hand.

We’ve learned to love the rising sun

We’ve learned that breath revives the dust

Of wisdom gained and peaceful touch

Sit back, and breathe Him in.

And I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

Africa, I wont forget you.

Botswana, love, I wont forget you.

To the people in turmoil, with life in your eyes

I wont forget, no I wont forget you.

"Recalculating"

First of all, can i just say that Mountain Bagels in the Boone Heights strip mall is possibly one of my favorite hiding places in Boone? because it is. i can always come here and just sit with the Lord (and eat great breakfast sandwiches). great spirit here. lots of peace.

but anyway. that wasn't what i was writing about (although it is the reason that i am writing at all. since i just cant seem to put up blogs unless i'm in the mood. and this is a great atmosphere for that mood.) instead, i want to jot down my thoughts about something the Lord told me today. and he told it to me through one of my least favorite objects in the entire world. a GPS.

i hate GPS's. they lie, they tell you to turn when there are no roads in existence, and they cripple you from actually learning the routs to get to the places you need to be. (why would i learn how to get somewhere if Garmin can just tell me in his stupid computed british accent on the way?) call me bitter. i guess i just prefer my method of getting places through landmarks and street signs rather than making sure i'm still on the pink road in the computer box. it takes all the adventure out of it. but even so, the Lord can speak through whatever he wants to, and he knows i hate Garmin so he spoke through that. what a funny thing to do.

for part of my job, i take spanish-speaking people to different medical specialists throughout the region, and as most of them live out in the most random places the mountains have to offer, i use the program's GPS to find their houses and their respective specialists' offices. (i know. it burns me a little bit every time.) yesterday, i was taking this woman to an appointment in Statesville and (as usually happens whenever Garmin rears his ugly head) the GPS took me to the wrong spot. it told me to turn onto a road called Mattheson street in Hudson North Carolina (yeah. there's a Hudson North Carolina). Garmin had the road very nicely highlighted in pink on the screen and, all geared up for this penultimate right turn, i started turning the steering wheel of my car. it was only then that i realized... this is someone's driveway. Dangit Gamin. you've done it again.

i turned into the driveway to turn around and try to find the correct place (Garmin "recalculating" in the background) and eventually drove to the last main road i was on and went the opposite direction. Garmin (this time) recalculated correctly and sent me right to where i was going, and thats when the Lord started speaking. it didnt fully register until this morning what he said to me, but it sent something to the core of my heart that i really needed to hear. in my walk through this life, if i make a wrong decision (or even one poorly directed by a fallen world) the Lord has the ability to completely reset my scheduled rout ("recalculate" if you will) and lead me again to the direction of the destination. the path might look different, as different can be necessary in order to get back on the right track, but the destination hasn't changed. and that destination is me being transformed into the likeness of christ and walking forward with ever-increasing glory (2 corinthians 3). my destination deeper into his will and deeper into his heart and deeper into his love will not change with my wrong decisions. the path to get there might. and thats fine. but i realized recently that i cannot FREEZE myself and my walk because of the fear of making a mistake (which has been the struggle for me in this season) but instead i have to believe that God has the ability and grace to recalculate my path when i mess up and redirect me towards what both he and i desire (and here's the kicker. this trust is not only limited to the decisions about whether i eat at ihop or the glory that is waffle house. this belief also has to be applied to MAJOR decisions that im not sure about. AND result in me stepping out with the faith that God will walk with me. yikes.) but i can do it. the word says that he works out all things for the good of those who love him, and have been called according to his purpose (Romans 8:28). i love him. i have been called according to his purpose. so instead of being frozen for fear of failure i have to believe that A + B = C and that He has the ability and desire to recalculate my path and work out all things for my good.

and as my dear brother Marshall says in one of his songs, "fear, we will never feel. for my captain is always at the wheel." and my captain is better than Garmin.

A Whole New World (that's been here forever)

So i have been dreaming a lot lately. not necessarily about things i want to happen or things i think are about to come, but i have been dreaming of the things around me right now. does that make sense? are you allowed to dream about the things that are right around you in the moment? i believe we can. and not only that. i believe that it is something we should do much more often. the leaves are changing in Boone and that is enough to make dreams come forth in the moment. just driving on the parkway or even walking around my neighborhood, i feel like i can separate my consciousness from the wears and tears of this world and enter into an entirely different realm. its a spiritual place. it is a sacred place. and just because it is right here all around me doesnt mean it isnt completely separate.

i love that about nature. i love that about the Lord. that i can walk through the physical world he created while simultaneously walking through the spiritual world he created. they are both real. they are both beautiful. and it is especially beautiful when the two collide and i am in the middle of it. to all of us striving for peace of mind and purity of heart, i salute you. and i want to remind you (as i have recently been reminded) that these things are found right where we are. they are found in the 10 minute break where we walk outside and photosynthesize our spirits in the sun. (i really honestly feel like fresh air and the sun can recharge your spirit like nothing else in the world. except perhaps the word.) these things are found when we separate, if only for a moment, from the stresses we have placed on ourselves and entered into the world of the spiritual that lives and thrives all around us. the leaves really are laden with gold in that world. the birds really are harmonizing in that world. the fresh air really does restore your health there. its a world that is true to heart and true to God and i know that it has always been there waiting for us to discover more of it. maybe Narnia isnt so far off from the truth. playful adventure in wild settings are only the entrance way to a greater piece of that world. a world where the lion is the king and animals dance around the fire every night.

i love that place. its the only place my mind can rest. and praise God that when the leaves change it seems like the door reveals itself to me. like in the hobbit, when they could only see the door to the mountain when the moon was at the correct position. i feel like the door to the world of peace is found when the colors change. when fall comes. when spring comes. when snow falls for the first time. these are the times when we can walk forward and remember that God has so much more for us on this planet than we have realized yet. what a comforting and exciting thought that is.

so take heart. take time. and walk into this new world of Peace. its real. and its revealing itself. Praise the Lord. He made it well.