Anyway, now for the point of this post.
Lately I've found myself in a continuous struggle. there seem to be too many things for me to do and be, and i just don't have enough energy to sustain them all. now before you click the x in your top left corner (or top right corner, if you are using a dell) because this looks like it is going to be a venting post, WAIT! i promise there's a point to all this.
...but to get there i'm going to open the vent just a little bit. don't judge me.
the fact is, i'm overwhelmed. my life seems to have too many things in it. even if on their own i would love them all, too many good things just confuse your senses. all i want is Jesus, but i dont have time to seek him. i want to be filled and nourished so i can serve, but my services are getting in the way. its a ridiculous cycle. however, i realized recently that my tendency to get overwhelmed doesn't come from a lack of strength or even a lack of time (which is what it feels like) but rather from my tendency to live in the moment, and ONLY that moment.
it is part of my personality. if i am in a conversation with you, i wont answer the phone. if you need me right now, i will be late to wherever i was going. if you are in front of me, or are wearing something particularly shiny, you have my attention.
granted, this can be a good thing. in fact, i've been thanked for this very trait on several occasions (or else scolded for being late). but sometimes i need to learn to live OUT of the moment. for what's NOT happening right now.
i had a dream last night that i was at a bar with my dear friend Sean, (having flown on magic carpets to get there, as apparently Sean is all the way arabic in my subconscious). we were talking, when i suddenly realized that i was 44 minutes late for my next meeting (story of my life). i was immediately filled with anxiety. i resented Sean for "making me late" and for "keeping me in the conversation." i got overwhelmed and frustrated and then woke up very confused as to why we don't use magic carpets instead of cars.
now, if you know anything about mine and Sean's relationship then you know this was the exact opposite of how it is. Sean is normally the only reason im ON TIME anywhere. or else im the one that makes him late. praise God he's a man of grace. but the Lord spoke to me through this dream. because that very situation is becoming more and more common. i have found myself running from one meeting to the next and becoming so tired and busy and laterally focused on what is immediately the next on the list that i havent been able to calm down and share the journey with the Lord. (which is the whole point.)
its like when you are hiking (too quickly) on a great trail. all you want to do is look up and see the beauty of the journey, but if you take your eyes off of your feet for one second then you are going to tumble. so you focus on putting one foot on each rock, and it starts to all look the same after a while. why were you walking so fast anyway? isnt the journey the fun part? i wonder how many things i've missed doing that...
in doing this, i've found myself resenting my job (which is a RIDICULOUS blessing, ill tell you the story some time), and resenting my responsibilities in ministry and mission (which is a huge part of my heart and my calling), and resenting everything else for adding to the list. they were all just one rock after the next rather than the beautiful mosaic pieces of the journey of the Lord. these are the things that im here for. the things that i love to pour in to. yet because i have been so focused on being in those moments (or at the very least, making sure my foot gets on the rock) that i have been unable to step outside of them and into the heart of the Lord. the reason for those moments.
it is good to be in the moment. i plan on doing it as a default. but until we can master (as Jesus has) seeing the fullness of the big picture AND being fully where we are at the same time, we sometimes have to take a step back and align our priorities to bigger things. otherwise we will feel trapped in each moment rather than blessed to be there. the latter being the reality and the former being all the thanks we give it.
what im trying to say is this. the Lord can sustain any one of us in overwhelming circumstances, but we have to know that the source is Jesus, not our service of Jesus. it is ok if i step back from my responsibilities in order to seek the Lord. it is ok if i dance and romance with Jesus instead of with beautiful beautiful Meg. because i CAN'T romance Meg without being romanced by Jesus. i CAN'T serve the people without being filled with his strength. and i CAN'T live a life of love and power without being filled with His love and His power.
Sean didn't deserve my malice in the dream. you don't deserve it either. i apologize. there's no reason for me to be worn out and unable to love because the source of that love is endless. i just have to realize that my relationship with Jesus is the center and the beginning of it all. im allowed to take time to build it. and not only that, i HAVE to take time to build it or else i really cant do anything well. im allowed to rest. God, who doesn't grow weary, rested on the 7th day. since he doesn't need it, it must be because he likes it. and if he likes it then i do.
i like living out of the things He likes more than the things He requires of me. just because they are the same thing doesn't mean i shouldn't change my mindset.
Praise God.
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